Always Be Here
by Stormangel982
Summary: Dean has been missing for 3 weeks. Now that he is back what secret is he hiding?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: These are Eric Kripke's toys, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.

CHAPTER ONE

_That's it! _I think to myself as I slam the phone back into its cradle. Another unanswered call. _When Sarah gets back with the kids I'm gonna drive to Pittsburgh and haul back that son of a bitch's ass……right after I beat the crap outta him!_

It's been over three weeks since I last heard from Dean. Over three weeks since he told me, "It's just a simple salt n' burn, no worries. I'll be back within a few days, you won't even notice me gone."

_I'm noticing Dean, and you sure as hell better have a damn good excuse._

It's been just over 10 years since we finally killed the Demon that destroyed so much of our lives. It had taken our mum, our dad and my Jess. It had destroyed our childhood and set us on a path of heartbreak and sorrow but finally, finally we defeated it. We sent it back into the fiery depths of hell and cursed it, never to be free again.

It nearly killed us.

But, finally, after months of recuperation and physical therapy we were back on our feet and smack bang in the middle of a crossroad of the biggest decision of our lives - _where do we go from here?_

"New York" Dean had said and the confusion I had felt must have been etched on my face, "I think it's time that you go see Sarah", was all the explanation that he had felt was needed.

Sarah Blake had stayed in New York but had become a Real-Estate agent not long after we left her. She said that she felt she needed a career change, that dealing with artwork no longer appealed to her and who could blame her? Having the murderous spirit of a child from a portrait try to slit your throat is a pretty good excuse for a change of career.

While Sarah and I had stayed in contact as time had passed, it was nothing more than a phone call here or the odd email there, so it had surprised me when Dean had suggested going to see Sarah. In fact, no matter how much I had argued or had tried to reason with him that I didn't need or want to see Sarah, he wouldn't be deterred. And for that I owe him so much. Sarah and I had married a year later with Dean as my Best Man and an ever so smug grin plastered on his face.

It was a few days after we had arrived on Sarah's doorstep when Dean had suggested that maybe we try settling down for a while. Sarah was ecstatic to say the least and said that we were more than welcome to stay as long as we liked, but while the thought of staying in one place for awhile appealed to me I had my reservations. I was shocked that Dean was seemingly giving up hunting but I convinced myself that maybe this was just what we both needed and maybe Dean really didn't want to hunt anymore, maybe he just wanted his share at a normal life.

Slowly the weeks turned to months and I had to admit that things were going better than I had expected them to. Dean had gotten work in construction and with the hard work and long hours he seemed happier and more relaxed than I could remember. I decided to return to studying law again and found myself, with each passing day, falling more and more in love with Sarah. Not only had she welcomed us into her home without question or demands but she also understood us, she knew our past, she understood where we came from and while she was there for both of us when we needed someone she also gave us space and time when we needed it.

Sarah was our saviour.

I had proposed exactly six months after first arriving in New York and couldn't have agreed more with Dean when he said, "it's about friggin' time!"

Sarah and I decided to marry a year from the day that Dean and I had arrived on her doorstep. But as our wedding rapidly approached we both noticed a change come over Dean. His job no longer seemed to fulfil him and I could tell that being in the same place was getting to him; he was never one to be in the same place for any length of time. Something he had picked up from our childhood I guess. So it was no surprise to me when he started a conversation with "Sam, I've been doing some thinking."

He wanted to hunt again and in all honesty I was surprised he had lasted this long.

"You wanna start hunting again." I had decided to make this easy on him. I understood this was what he wanted, what he needed.

A chuckle arose from him "Well at least we can still safely say you haven't lost your psychic abilities."

"Dude," I started, "You don't have to be a psychic to know what's been eating you lately. Actually I'm kinda surprised you lasted this long."

"Yea well, I tried" he sighed as he ran a hand through his short cropped hair and smirked as he looked at me, "but I need to get back out there, I miss it."

"I know." And I understand too but it's not something that I wanted. I had Sarah now, I had responsibilities now, how was I supposed to tell him that I didn't want to hunt anymore - I should have known not to be worried.

"Don't worry Sammy, I know that you're happy here and settled. I'm not asking you to come with me, I wouldn't dream of it. You have responsibilities here now, you have Sarah."

I raised an eyebrow at him and a look of confusion crossed his face, "What?" he asked.

"Nothing" I chuckled as a shrugged my shoulders, "I just thought I was the only psychic wonder in this family."

An evil grin is planted on his face as he stepped closer and looked me straight in the eye, "Don't worry Sammy, you're still the only one with freaky powers in this family, but I gotta say being the big brother isn't without its perks."

Dean's first hunt was the day after the wedding. While Sarah and I were headed to the airport for a two week trip to Hawaii, Dean was in the Impala headed to Rochester, Indiana, where six men had gone missing in the past six months only to be found days later hung in very public places skinned. Dean had said that he would call every couple of days but by the time Sarah and I had returned from our honeymoon we had only heard from him twice and for the last week and a half that I had been trying to ring his cell I would only get his voicemail. The last week of our honeymoon had been spent trying, in vain, to get an earlier flight home. We had both been so caught up in our worries about where Dean was that at first we didn't notice the lone figure sitting on our porch as the cab from the airport pulled into our driveway. It was Sarah's shocked gasp that brought him to my attention. Dean.

Pulling myself out of the cab I gave him a quick once over, while he looked like he had just gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson and hadn't slept since he left he still looked ok. The hunt had gone well. He gave me his all clear nod and a smile of reassurance but before he could say anything Sarah was on him. Rising to meet her she practically threw herself into him.

"Are you ok, are you hurt?" She checked him over taking his face in her hands as she studied the black and blue marks that were there.

"I'm fine Sarah, just bruises is all." he had tried to assure her - maybe he would have tried playing the sympathy card if he had known what was coming.

Pulling him to arms length away from her, and knowing that he really was ok, her relived smile quickly turned into a scowl.

"Where in the hell have you been Dean Winchester?"

Dean gulped, he knew that tone, he was big trouble.

"Sarah, you know where I've been…." he had started only to be cut off.

"We haven't heard from you in over a week! Sam has tried calling you but only got your voicemail! We've been worried sick! You could have been dead for all we knew!" the last part had been barely audible as her voice had broken into a sob and tears rolled down her face.

"Sarah," Dean cooed as he took my wife into his arms to calm her, "Sarah I'm sorry, I should have called, things just got away from me, I didn't think…."

"You're damn right you didn't think," this time it was me who interrupted him and his hazel eyes met mine, "I should kick your ass right now."

Sarah and Dean both chuckled apparently from an inside joke that I hadn't been privy too, "Sammy, you and I both know there is no way you'd ever kick my ass, not even in your dreams."

"It's Sam, and trust me Dean, if the time came I could and I would."

"Whatever bitch" he snorted.

"Jerk." I bit back.

"Ok if you two are done weighing in how bout we head inside, I think we could all do with some coffee." Sarah broke in as she left Dean's embrace and grabbed a couple of our bags from the driveway.

"Sounds like a plan" Dean agreed as he headed into the house and made his way towards the kitchen to begin brewing the coffee. He had thought that this conversation was over, little did he know that this was just the beginning, Sarah was far from being done yet.

"From now on Dean things are going to have to change." Sarah stated as she sat down in the chair opposite us where her own coffee cup had been placed by Dean.

We both looked up from our broken conversation about the hunt towards Sarah and from the corner of my eye I could see the dumbfounded expression that crossed Dean's face.

"Huh?"

"No Dean, this just isn't good enough. You told Sam you didn't want him to hunt because he had family here now, obligations, well guess what tough guy so do you!"

"Sarah, come on, I…………."

"Don't you come on with me Winchester, you scared the hell outta us and we aren't gonna put up with it."

"We're not?" I'm shocked, Sarah was right, we had been scared, nut what was she planning on doing? If she was trying to give Dean an ultimatum - either hunt and never come back or stay here and be safe - I knew that Dean couldn't survive with either choice and frankly, neither could I.

Dean must have been on the same wavelength as me.

"It's ok, I get it." he sighed as he got up from the chair. "But," he paused and looked at me, apologies spilling out of his eyes, "I can't not hunt, it's the only thing I know" and as he turned to leave the room I barely was able to make out his last sentence, "I'll be gone by morning."

There was a shocked gasp, "Dean, no wait!" Sarah pleaded and she lurched out of her chair and barely made it around the table before she reached out and grabbed Dean's arm, "God, no, that isn't what I meant" she cried as she pulled him into a tight hug.

It takes Dean a moment before he returned the hug and he looked to me for reassurances, but like him, I had no idea what it is that Sarah was saying.

"Sarah honey," I cooed to her as she tightened her hold on my brother, "you might want to loosen up your hold there, Dean's turning blue."

She gave a small laugh as she loosened her grip up on Dean some what but not so that he was entirely free from her and she lifted her tear stricken face to him.

"I'd never ask you to choose like that, but I meant what I said, things are going to have to change because Sam can't, we can't deal with not knowing for weeks at a time where you are or if you're alright."

Dean's face is filled with the same relief as I felt and he embraced Sarah once more chuckling softly, "Fair enough, so what changes do you have in store for me."

A muffled chuckle is heard from Dean's chest and Sarah pulled away with a slight blush on her face, "Ah well, I hadn't quite thought about that yet."

"Phone calls," I stated as both their eyes looked towards me, "Every couple of days. We want to know where you are, what you're hunting and even your game plan."

I received a smirk and a raised eyebrow from Dean, "Short leash you got me on there little bro."

"Yea real short," I snorted at him and Sarah's tried to suppress her amusement.

"Uh-huh"

Sarah gave him a quick jab in the ribs to get his attention back to her, "You're to come home whenever you're finished a hunt, to rest, recuperate and to research your next gig and….."

"And if WE don't deem you well enough then you stay here until your better." I finished for her. "Hell, if it at the worse it can't wait then I'll go…"

"The hell you will!" Dean argued and I gave him a look of confusion. It's not like I couldn't hunt on my own and it wasn't like I planned to do it on a regular basis.

"Like I said Sammy, you have responsibilities, obligations, there is no way your hunting!"

"He is not the only one Dean!"

"Sarah…."

"No Dean, you do. You ARE our family, you HAVE responsibilities to us, obligations to us. And don't you think for one minute that you're going to get out of babysitting duties."

_Yea Dean we're………babysitting, WHAT?_

"What?!?"

A wicked smirk covered Sarah's face as she sauntered over to me. Oh yea, this woman had been holdin' something out on me "Well I haven't had the chance to tell you yet Sam but since I do have my two favourite men in the same room…………………I'm pregnant, three months."

"You sly old dog Sammy."

I was stunned, Sarah's was pregnant, I was gonna be a Dad!

"Sam honey, you ok?"

"Yo Sammy?"

Their concerned voices and looks brought me back to Earth and I realised that I was just standing there with my mouth agape.

"It's Sam," I said as a pulled my wife into a ferocious hug.

A laugh erupted from Dean, "Easy there tiger, you don't wanna pop the kid out too soon and you'll always be Sammy to me." I gave him the finger before he continued, "God I can't believe my little bro is gonna be a Daddy"

I loosened my grip up on Sarah as she turned and leant her back against me looking right at Dean, "And you will be an Uncle, an Uncle with very important responsibilities and obligations. You are to be home for every special occasion like for birthdays and Christmas, and if you break any of our rules then where will be severe consequences."

"Consequences?" Dean frowned and raised his eyebrow, "And what might they be?"

"Oh don't you worry there Big Brother, I'm sure we can think of something." I grinned at him and felt satisfaction when a small glint of terror crossed his face before nodding with conviction.

"I'll do my best."

And I had no doubts that he would.

And as the years went by Dean did just that. He would call us every couple of days to keep us informed and no matter what, he always made sure that he was home for the special occasions just like Sarah had asked. He was even there for the births of both Katelyn and Jayden. Dean always tried to stick by the rules as best he could.

I don't know what it was about this hunt in particular that had me bothered so much. Maybe it was the fact that I thought Dean hadn't recovered enough from his bout with the flu that had had him laid up for several weeks. But there was something, something in my gut that had not wanted him to go to Pittsburgh. Something was telling me that I shouldn't let him go, that it wasn't right. But Dean had convinced me that he was fine, he had convinced me that it was a small hunt, he would be back in no time and I had listened to him, and now, now it was three weeks later and that something that was warning me in my gut was now full on screaming profanities at me. _Damn you Dean. Where the hell are you? When I find you I'm gonna……………_

A piercing scream from outside snaps me out of my thoughts. It's a scream that I would recognize from anywhere. It's Katelyn's.

Hope you liked it! Please tell me what you think. Thanks.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

It's Katelyn's scream that has me leaping to the door with all intent of killing the unknown terror that is trying to harm my baby. Just as I'm grasping the handle and yanking the door open its Katelyn's voice of pure glee that stops me dead in my tracks.

"Deanie!!"

And there he is, with his back turned to me, embracing the eight year-old, dark haired girl that has just flung herself into his awaiting arms.

"You're back!" she exclaims. _Thank God._

Dean is chuckling as he feels her squeeze her arms tighter around his neck. "Hey gorgeous girl, don't tell me you missed me or something?"

Katelyn leans back so she can look into her Uncle's face as a frown appears on her own. "You haven't called in three weeks." It's more of a demand to know why then it is a statement.

Dean sighs, maybe he was hoping we hadn't noticed, _yea good luck there Dean, _"I know sweetie but………"

"No buts Uncle Dean" she interrupts as she squirms to be released from his hold, "You're meant to call at least once a week, no matter what. It's the rules!"

I lean back against the doorframe smiling as Katelyn berates her Uncle. Katelyn is right, he is meant to call every couple of days or at the least once a week. It is the rules. But in all honesty she is the only one who can get away with this and there is no way in hell that I'm about to stop her. Dean broke the rules and now he must face the ultimate consequence - Katelyn's wraith.

Her little arms are now crossed in front of her chest and she is giving Dean her most "I'm very disappointed in you and you better have a damn good excuse for it" face, but before Dean can explain himself to his niece he is almost barrelled over by the flurry of the small, three year-old boy who has now attached himself to Dean's leg.

"Hey there J man" Dean greets as he bends to pick up his nephew and swings him onto his hip. "You're not gonna yell at me too?"

Jayden just looks up into his Uncle's face and even from where I stand I can see the grin that has engulfed his own, "Unkie Dee, missed you." is all he says as he clamps himself tighter to Dean and buries his face into his Uncle's chest.

Dean takes a moment before he says anything and when he does it's so soft that I barely hear it at all, "Yea, missed you to little buddy."

The tone in Dean's words seems so sad as if he had been away for a lifetime and I'm at a loss, it isn't like this is the first time he has been away for so long.

The thud of the car boot seems to bring both of us out of our thoughts and I see Dean put Jayden down and make his way to Sarah's car.

"Hey Sarah," he greets my wife and she quickly closes the gap between them to hug him and kiss his cheek.

"You Mister have had us very worried," she says in a stern voice but her soft face and hand that caresses Dean's cheek betray her.

"Yea, I'm sorry." he replies and I see Sarah's face cloud over with concern. I can hear it, she can see it. Something is wrong.

"Let me help you with these," Dean changes the subject as he bends to retrieve the grocery bags that lay at Sarah's feet. But before he has the bags in his full grasp Katelyn rushes over to his side and pries one of the lighter bags from his hand, "I'll help too Deanie, you've just got home and need to take it easy."

I raise an eyebrow at this and I'm sure that Dean does too. All seems to have been forgotten about his breaking of the rules, but, then again, it wouldn't surprise me at all if she didn't feel that there was something wrong with her Uncle too.

As Katelyn heads towards me with Jayden now in tow I see Sarah also removing a couple of the bags from Dean, "Katie's right you know and you sure do look like you could use a cup of coffee. Let's head inside."

I move away from the door to let the kids pass through as I hear Dean chuckle and respond to Sarah "As long as it's black and strong, I'm there."

And it is only now that I catch my first glimpse of Dean as he turns to follow Sarah and for only the briefest of moments before he sees me watching him I see everything. I'm just not sure what everything is.

He looks exhausted no doubt. He also looks paler and seems to have lost weight but there is something else lingering under the surface that I can't quite make out but before I can come to any conclusion he notices me and his mask is switched back on. _Jesus Dean what the hell went down in Pittsburgh?_

"Hey Sammy."

"It's Sam," I sigh as I watch him trudge up the stairs.

By the time he reaches the top stair he seems to falter, _are you out of breath, _but before I'm able to determine if this was a simple misplaced step or something more serious he is once again surrounded by my kids who are attempting to rid their Uncle of another bag. _What the hell Dean?!?_

I'm losing my patience. "Dean, we need to talk." and I know he hears the underlying anger that is there.

Dean allows the kids to take another bag between them and watches them struggle down the hallway before he straightens and looks at me nodding, "Later."

I go to open my mouth again but the voice of Jayden wafting down the hallway interrupts me.

"Unkie Dee, you comin'?"

"We'll talk later." Dean reaffirms and walks into the house leaving me standing there with my unanswered questions.

"Just give him time," Sarah's hand is placed on my shoulder bringing my attention to her. "He will tell us, but we can't rush him, never could."

I nod in agreement although the foreboding feeling doesn't leave me.

"Let's just get these groceries packed away and we can all have a strong cup of coffee, maybe it's all he needs, a quick pick-me-up, he might just be tired and that is."

Sarah tries to sound reassuring but even she knows there is more to it than being tired. Something is wrong with Dean. _And whatever it is, I'm gonna fix it!_

We enter the kitchen to find Dean and the kids already packing away the groceries that they had brought in. I stand back and watch my kids interacting with their Uncle and I feel the smile that blooms across my face. _This is how it should be._

Katelyn and Dean have always shared a special bond, it's almost like they are kindred spirits. While her looks have derived from Sarah, she looks just like a miniature replica of her mum, she seems share the same soul as Dean.

From her birth in the backseat of Dean's prized Impala, Katelyn has always been inseparable from her Uncle. Wherever Dean was, Katelyn would be right there next to him or in most cases clinging onto him, she never liked him out of her sight.

When she first noticed Dean leaving to go hunt, although even now she only knows that he is out there catching bad guys, she would have screaming fits and be practically inconsolable until her 'Deanie' would come home. But once she understood that Dean had to follow strict rules, that he always had to call and always would come home to us, she became the self-appointed rule keeper and if ever a rule was broken than she made sure he not only received a stern lecture from herself but also a fitting punishment. Katelyn even doled out some herself much to mine and Sarah's amusement.

When Dean would sometimes come home injured, Katelyn would always be right there, hovering over him, taking what care she could of him and he would always let her, it was just their way.

They would also have their own private secrets and conversation. Ones that no-one else in the family were privy too. I sometimes even noticed that they didn't seem to need to speak to each other to know what the other was thinking.

That's not to say that little Jayden was out of the loop, he was, after all, Dean's J-man. Dean said that Jayden always reminded him of me when we had been kids and Sarah and I had to agree with him except for two major details.

Under the shaggy brown hair that flopped over his face were Dean's hazel eyes and when he smiled, when he truly beamed, you could swear that it was Dean's smile lighting up at you.

Sarah thinks he gonna be a real ladies man, even more so than his Uncle. With Dean's eyes and smile and my so called 'book-smarts' and we are all sure eventual height, she says that no woman would be able to resist his looks and charms. A factor that both Dean and I are proud of. Dean is also hoping Jayden is going to be just as defiant as I was, "Why should me and Dad have gotten all the fun." he once claimed only to receive the finger from me. "Case and point there Sammy."

It's the phone ringing from the lounge room that brings me out of my musings and I turn from the chaos in front of me to head out and answer it.

"Hello Sam Winchester speaking"

………………………….

"Listen can it wait? My brother just got home."

…………………………..

"But…….."

……………………………

"Yea ok……"

……………………………

"Ok I'll be there within half an hour."

I place the phone back down and turn to be greeted by my wife's understanding face.

"It's ok Sam, the kids and I can look after him. I promise he won't be let out of our sight." she assures me cupping my face in her hands.

I smile and kiss her lips, "That's my girl. I promise I'll be home by dinner, they just need me to go over a few files before they head to trial tomorrow."

Sarah nods, "Good, dinner should be ready just after six. Just don't be too late."

"I won't. Tell them for me." I ask nodding in the direction of the kitchen before I grab my briefcase and head out the door determined to be home as soon as possible, _I don't want Dean out of my sight either._

It is after six when I return home and I walk through the front door to be hit by the wonderful aromas of Sarah's cooking.

Setting my briefcase down by the door I sneak into the Kitchen and quickly take a sample from the simmering pot on the stove while Sarah's back is turned.

"Hey!" _Sprung._

"I was just ah…… do you need any assistance?" I redirect trying to sound sincere but not really achieving it.

As always my offer is flat out refused, "No, we want to be able to eat the meal Sam. Dean needs to be fattened up." She is right, _as usual,_ and my cooking sure as hell won't help Dean there. _Cooking is one talent that I'll never master._

A hacking cough from further in the house gets my attention.

"He has been doing that all afternoon. I asked him about it but as usual he just waved me off, said something bout it being just a 'little' cough."

I can see the worry in Sarah's face and we both know that what we just heard was no 'little' cough.

"Where is he?"

"In the lounge room with the kids."

I nod and give Sarah a quick peck on the cheek before turning to leave, "I'm just gonna check on them."

As I make my way to the lounge room I note that all is very quiet. The only sound I can hear is the soft clinking of wood on wood.

I peer around the corner not really wanting my presence noted and the scene before me comforts me.

Dean is sitting in one of our single lounge chairs with Katelyn snuggled in his lap, both silently watching Jayden playing with his wooden blocks.

"It's about time you got home Sammy." Dean says without ever taking his eyes off Jayden. _Should have known he'd know I was here._

"Daddy" Katelyn shrieks as she jumps off her Uncle and runs towards me with Jayden close behind her.

"It's Sam," I say to Dean and I bend and pick up a child in each arm. "And what have you two been up to? Keeping outta trouble I hope."

Katelyn just beams at me and answers for both her brother and herself, "Looking after Deanie." _Well duh Dad._

"Neither of them have let me out of there sight." Dean pipes up.

I raise an eyebrow to him and let the kids back down, "Can you really blame them?"

A soft chuckle comes from Dean but he says nothing as he helps Katelyn to snuggle back up on his lap. I take his silence as confirmation that he agrees with me.

"I think we should ground him Daddy."

Now it's Dean's turn to raise his eyebrow and the look on his face causes me to let out a short laugh, "I think he maybe a little too big to ground pumpkin, but don't you worry, I'm sure that we can come up with a suitable punishment." I reassure her, although I have a funny feeling that this time we are all gonna let this slide.

"Dinner's ready!" Sarah calls from the dining room and within seconds the room is void of children. I watch as Dean slowly rises from the chair and I can't help but notice the pain engraved in his features. Before I have time to question this, a deep cough assaults him, leaving him panting for breath and clutching at his chest. _What the hell?_

"Hey man, you ok? Dean?" I ask with panic in my tone as I gently rub his back both relieved and concerned when he doesn't brush me off.

"Yea…just give me…a sec" he wheezes as he fumbles through his pocket and brings out a bottle of pills.

I say nothing but give him a questioning look.

"The doc gave me these…to help with the congestion," he answers as he pops off the cap and swallows two of the little white pills he shakes out.

I don't remember Dr. Markson giving him any pills but my thoughts are cut short when I hear another shout from Sarah, "You boys coming or what?"

I give Dean a quick once over and he smiles reassuringly at me, "I'm good let's not keep your wife waiting." and we make our way into the dining room.

Sarah and the kids are already seated when we get there and we quickly take our own seats across from one another. Both of our plates are piled high and my mouth waters with anticipation, _I guess Sarah wasn't kidding about fattening Dean up._

"Looks great Sar," Dean compliments as he picks up his forks and begins to eat. Me and the kids nod in agreement as we follow suit and soon all that can be heard is the clinking of cutlery on plates and the chewing of food. I'm too engrossed in my meal to notice anything that is going on around the table however, Katelyn is not.

"Aren't you hungry Deanie?"

The sudden question brings my eyes up to my brother and then down to his plate. It's only now that I release that although the food is more scattered around the plate then before, there still seems to be just as much there as when we first sat down to eat.

I look back up to Dean and notice that he does seem paler. "You sure you're ok man?"

"Ah yea," he sighs as he puts down his fork, "I guess I'm just not that hungry."

I frown with concern, _since when have you ever been not hungry Dean?._

"It's ok Dean," Sarah says as she gets up to take Dean's plate, her own meal already consumed, "I'll just put it in the fridge, you can heat it up later if you like."

"Thanks Sarah, sorry." he apologizes.

"Don't be silly," she chuckles, "No need to apologize, but don't think that I haven't noticed you've lost weight. You're gonna have to fatten up if you wanna be let outta this house again."

At this Dean's face breaks out into a genuine smile and he playfully mock salutes her, "Yes Ma'am!"

He receives a subtle smack to the back of the head and a warning that I'm almost certain we all want her to follow through on, "Behave Dean or you will never be let out of this house again."

With dinner now completed and the pots, cutlery and dishes packed away in the dishwasher it's all hands on deck in effort to get the kids ready for bed.

Dean keeps Katelyn occupied with another of his lessons in the fine art of Poker playing, _God he is teaching her bad habits so early,_ while Sarah and I set to the task of bathing Jayden. This is no small feat by any means, sometimes I think hunting a Wendigo would be easier. One hour, two soggy parents and two bedtime stories later Jayden is out for the night and now its Katelyn's turn.

"But Daddy," she whines "Dean and me is still playing."

"And you'll still be able to do that tomorrow, now get a move on." my tone is laced with warning, apparently one that she refuses to take notice of.

"But….."

""No buts Katie," Dean interrupts her next plan of attack and I smile to myself, _you tell her Dean._

"If you don't have a bath and get enough beauty sleep you'll end up looking like your Dad here," he gestures to me, "and no one wants that."

I send him filthy glare, _Jerk, _and he breaks into a cocky grin, I can see the word 'Bitch' written all over it.

I do notice however, that Dean's comment seems to have had its desired effect as Katelyn gets up from the floor and makes her way to the bathroom.

"Works like a charm." he gloats and I resist the urge to throttle him.

"You'll keep" I reply as I turn to leave him to help Sarah turn down Katelyn's bed.

Once Katelyn is tucked in and Dean is left to read her a bedtime story, although I am sure it will just be another water downed tale from a past adventure, Sarah and I take the time to have a shower and prepare ourselves for what may come next. I'm gonna get the truth from Dean tonight even if I have to drag it out of him. He will tell me.

After our shower we stop off in Katelyn's room still expecting Dean to be there but find only our daughter there sound asleep. After quickly readjusting her blankets and giving her a kiss goodnight we go in search of my brother.

It's not long before we find him. He is sitting out on the front porch gazing up at the stars, seemingly deep in thought. He looks towards us as we make our way onto the porch but says nothing before returning his glare to the darkened sky above.

Seating ourselves opposite him we sit in silence for a while before I finally break.

"So are gonna tell us what's went on or not." I ask, with more venom in my tone then I intend.

"I said later Sammy." he replies just before a deep wheezing cough rattles him.

I wait for it to subside before I continue, "It IS later Dean." _and I'm not gonna wait much longer damn it._

He finally turns towards me and the look I receive is cold and hard, I'm rushing him and he doesn't like it but I need to get to the bottom of this.

He stays staring at me for a moment and I almost think he is going to cave. Instead he just gets up, he is not going to tell me, he is attempting to leave.

"Dean," it's a plea. I want, no, I need to know what it was that happened on his last hunt. If he would just tell me what happened I could help him, I could fix it.

I look deep into his eyes and silently beg for him to be honest with me, I try to work that little brother hold that I always had over him. He stares, standing there for a moment, reading the pleading look that is in my eyes before he finally sighs an "Ok" and plonks himself back down into his chair defeated.

I wait, but as the minutes tick by Dean makes no effort to begin and my patience is again beginning to wear thin. Just as I'm about to snap and beat the truth out of him its Sarah voice that has me calm down some.

"Dean, honey, you know whatever it is or whatever it was that happened out there we are here for you. Sam, me, the kids," she pauses and reaches out to lift his face towards her so he is forced to see the truth in her eyes, "no matter what we are here to help."

Dean just sighs again and rubs a hand wearily over his face and through his short cropped hair. _God, he looks beyond exhausted. This just isn't right, _and what he says next does nothing to extinguish the panic nor the anger that has been rising in me for the past few weeks.

"The hunt went fine, just like I said, it was a simple salt n' burn I was done within a few hours….."

"Then where in the hell have you been for the past few weeks?" I interrupted him as my anger bursts to the surface.

I don't even register Sarah calling my name asking me to calm down before I begin my tirade on my Big Brother. "You leave here when you're barely recovered from the flu that had you on your ass for nearly a month saying you'll be back within a few days, a week at most, you'll call when you're done, it's just a simple salt n' burn…."

"….it was…" he tries to cut me off but I won't let him, I'm so not through with him yet.

"…and then for over three weeks we don't hear from you, we don't know what's happened to you, for all we knew you could have been dead!" that word causes Dean to flinch but I barely notice, "I was just about to haul ass to Pittsburgh to find you myself!"

"I'm sorry, Sammy, it just…"

"Just what Dean!" I yell as I stand and get into Dean's face "just where in the hell could you have been, what the hell could you have been doing that was so God damn important that you didn't even think to pick up the phone to tell your family that you were alright, that you were safe? Where in the hell have you been for the last three weeks?!?"

I'm seething and my chest his heaving with the exertion of my outburst.

I stay there, inches from his face, waiting for him to respond to me.

Dean takes a moment and I'm not sure if it's to prepare himself for what he is about to say or to allow me to gain a little self control first. I see him lick his lips and the words that tumble from his mouth shocks me to my very core

"Allegheny General Hospital Pittsburgh."

Please R&R I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Something awakes me from my not so restless slumber and I move to Dean's bedside to check on him but he is still sound sleep. For that I'm thankful, it's still very early and last night was hard on Dean. Sometimes the drugs just aren't enough. I sigh in relief as I go back to my bed that sits only a few feet from his. Sarah and I had decided that my sleeping here would be for the best for now. I want to be near him for if and when he needs me. The time is getting closer now and as I lay back on my bed I can't help but think about the last couple of months.

"Allegheny General Hospital."

Those were the three words that Dean had said to me.

"Allegheny General Hospital."

That was where Dean had been all that time.

"Allegheny General Hospital."

Those three words just kept repeating over and over in my head until Dean's voice brought me out of my stupor.

"Sam, Sammy? Hey!" he was worried.

As I snapped to attention my knees seemed to weaken and if not for Sarah's soft hands gently guiding me back to my seat I'm sure that I would have collapsed at Dean's feet.

Dean leant forward in his seat quickly giving me a once over, "Dude, hey are you ok?"

I wanted nothing more than to laugh at the absurdity of that question, _hell no I'm not ok, _but instead I just nodded not able to say or do anything at else.

Silence descended over the three of us as we sat there awkwardly each stewing over their own thoughts trying to figure out what to say next.

Finally Sarah took the first step, "But you said that the hunt went fine, you were done within a few hours."

Leaning back in his seat Dean replied, "It was, it did. The hunt had nothing to do with why I was in the hospital."

This was getting ridiculous, we were just going around in circles, Dean was avoiding telling us what we wanted to know and I had had enough.

"Then why were you there Dean? Just tell us and stop with all the bullshit."

Dean looked away from us and back to the dark sky. I'm just about to lose my temper again when he began, "I was just heading out of Pittsburgh when I had another coughing attack"

"Another?" Sarah questioned and Dean simply nodded and continued.

"I had been having them on and off since I left here. I just thought that it was some residing effects from the flu I had but that last time……." he trailed off shaking his head

"That last time what Dean?" I prompted not wanting him to falter.

"After the last time I could barely catch my breath and, and I knew I was in trouble when I had coughed up blood onto my hand."

My heart dropped in my chest, "Jesus…"

"Yea, that's what I said so I though maybe I had better get things checked out."

Neither Sarah or I said anything at that, it kinda felt like the understatement of the year. Dean must have taken our silence as a sign to go on.

"They took some blood work and a chest x-ray and before I knew it I was being admitted to the hospital and being poked and prodded in every direction. Must have looked like a pin cushion to them."

"What did they find?" Sarah asked ignoring Dean's attempted to lighten to moment.

Dean just ran his hand over his face and sighed. I could tell this was taking its toll on him but I was afraid if we stopped now I may never have get the truth out of him, "Dean."

"They found a large mass in my right lung Sammy. They didn't know if it was pneumonia or tumour"

I tried to swallow but my mouth had gone dry I wanted to ask what it had been but nothing would come out.

"What…..what was it" fear was laced in Sarah's voice and I knew the same thought was going through her mind that was going through mine.

_Please say pneumonia, please say pneumonia, please say pneumonia._

Dean looked me straight in the eye and his gaze never wavered as he answered. "Tumour"

"Oh God." Sarah cried and I grabbed her hand to support both her and myself as Dean went on.

"They told me I had small celled lung cancer, I got all my options from the Oncologist and signed myself outta there two weeks ago."

I felt myself frown in confusion "What, why would you do that?" I asked then, "Where have you been the last two weeks?"

Shrugging aimlessly Dean replied "Researching, thinking, making decisions.'

"What kind of decisions?"

"This cancer, what I have, is the most aggressive form of lung cancer and it's already spread. I….."

"But, but there are ways of fighting this right, we can beat this, you'll be fine." I could hear the acceptance in his voice but refused to allow myself believe that he had given up that wasn't the Dean I knew.

Dean just shook his head at me, "No, not this time, not this one."

"What? Why not?" I just could not understand why he would chose not to fight this, "There are always options Dean. Surgery, chemotherapy, radiation….."

"Sam, it's already spread, it's in my liver now too. Surgery isn't an option and as for the chemo and radiation they will only give me extra time and at what cost?"

I was confused why would he think money would be a problem "Cost? Dean we are talking about your life here! You can't put a price on that. We can…."

"Sammy, SAMMY listen to me" he broke into my rant. "That wasn't what I was talking about. The side effects from the treatments out way any extra time it may give me. I don't want to go down like that. This is going to take me hard and fast and I don't want to have to deal with what the treatments will probably bring me."

"What did you mean it's too late?" Sarah question brought both Dean and my gazes back to her, "Why didn't we know about this earlier?"

"By the time the symptoms show, if they show, it's usually already too late. The flu we thought I had wasn't the flu it was a symptom."

"But we took you to the doctor…."

"Yes and just like the rest of us he just thought it was the flu…."

"Well that not good enough," I interrupted, "he should have been more thorough…."

"It would have been too late anyway."

"But Dean we can't just give up."

"It's not giving up Sammy, please just try to understand. This is going to kill me." he paused at my flinch, "I want to do this my way, I want to go under my terms. Sam, Sarah, please I don't want to make this any harder on either of you than it already has to be but I need your support on this."

Dean's plea brings tears to both mine and Sarah's eyes and Sarah gets up and embraces him, "You have our support Dean, you always will." she whispered as the sobs began to rack her body.

Hugging Sarah to him tighter he looked over to me and searched my face for what he needed, and I couldn't refuse him. "Always."

Sarah finally released Dean, seemingly calmer than before, "What are we going to tell the kids." she sniffled.

"I want to be the one to tell Katie alone, she is old enough to understand what death is, I need to be the one to tell." and I realised that this question has been on his mind for awhile, "As for J, I'm not sure how to approach it I was hoping maybe we could just explain things to him, you know, as they happen, maybe just tell him that I'm sick or something and he needs to go easy on me."

Sarah nodded in agreement and wiped the tears from her face, "I think that's a good plan but for now I think it's time we all go to bed. We can discuss the rest tomorrow when we've all had some rest."

"You go ahead Sar, there are just some things I want to talk to Sammy about first."

"Ok," she smiles kissing Dean and then me, "just don't be out here too long ok?"

We both nodded and watched as Sarah made her way into the house.

There is a short moment of silence before I speak up. "You know this doesn't mean that I'm not gonna try to find a way to beat this Dean?"

I turned toward him as I heard him laugh and see him shake his head, "Never doubted it for a second but there is something I have to ask you. Something that I want you to do for me."

"What?"

The seriousness that I saw come over him made me pay close attention to what it was that he was asking of me, "When it's time I want you to let me go."

"Dean…" I'm shocked,_ how could he ask this?_

"No Sam, please. I need to ask this of you. I need to know that when it's time, you will let me go."

I swallowed back the sob that rose in my throat as the tears once again started their way down my face. _What am I suppose to say to him? _So I said the only thing I could, "Ok Dean, when it's time, I promise." But that was one promise I didn't know if I could keep.

I saw relief wash over him as he nodded back to me, "Good, well let's go get some shut eye 'cause I for one could sure as hell use it." and he rose from his seat and made his way past me.

As I got up and followed him into the house I knew that there would be no way that I would be sleeping that night, or maybe any other night for awhile.

Sarah had already changed into her nightwear when I made it to our bedroom and she knew what I had come in to tell her.

"You're not coming to bed tonight are you?"

I just shook my head in answer.

"The coffee is already brewing downstairs."

Two steps and I sweep Sarah into my arms and silently thank her for everything.

She responded by hugging me tighter and whispered to me, "We will get through this Sam." _God I hope so._

And so I researched. I researched all night and well into the next morning. I read article after article about small celled lung cancer. I read pages and pages of medical facts that all pointed to the same conclusion.

There was no cure. Even with the treatment of chemo and radiation, it all lead back to the one fact. Dean was going to die.

And so, I started to read the dozens and dozens of stories of survival and death. But the ones that affected me the most, the ones that made me understand why Dean didn't want treatment, were the ones that were about people choosing to prolong the inevitable. They were looking for something to help them hang on for just a bit longer but instead all they got was more pain, and more suffering. I knew that there were plenty of people who used the treatments to help them and the side effects were still there but less severe but still, after reading the many tales of people who didn't benefit from said treatments I now could understood Dean's choice. For Dean it wasn't about quantity of life but quality. This was his way and I was going to back him 100. This I could to for him.

Dean didn't get up till lunch time that day and I believe it had more to do with the coughing fit that attacked him than being fully rested. As I walked into his room I saw him taking two more of the white pills that I had seen him take the day before and gave him a questioning look.

"What are they for?"

"Painkillers," he said as he looked me over, "You look like you haven't slept. Someone been up all night?"

"Maybe" I shrugged innocently but he knew what I had been doing.

"And?"

"And I'm with you all the way Dean. We are going to do things your way."

A sad smile graced his face as he looked me in the eye, "I'm sorry Sammy."

"Don't be," I shook my head at him, "you have nothing to be sorry for you got me?"

"Loud and clear." he chuckled before once again becoming serious. "I want to talk to Katie about this today."

"Why so soon?"

"She already knows something is going on Sam. And soon…. I , I want to prepare her for what is coming."

"Ok." I nodded understanding his motives, "When she gets home from school you can tell her. But, for now I want you up and showered. Sarah and Jayden have just gone down town to find us something for lunch."

"Not really hungry Sam."

"I know but you can try right?" and he must have noticed the little plea that I put in.

"Yea," he nodded, "yea I can try."

That afternoon when Katelyn came home from school Dean took her aside and went to his room. I knew that Dean wanted to tell her alone but that didn't mean I couldn't listen. So I sat at his door, for what seemed like hours, listening to my brother tell his niece that he was going to die. He was straight with her, just like he always had been. He told her that he was very sick, that he had cancer and that it was going to take him away from us and then we both waited for it to come.

At first she denied everything that Dean had said to her, she screamed at him, told him she hated him for making up such things, why would he do such a thing. But soon, the screams turned into hysterical sobs as the truth sunk into her. Dean would never lie to her, he was going to die and as the realisation hit her it took everything in me to not burst through that door and tell her everything would be alright.

When she finally allowed Dean to hold her, although I assumed it was more that she threw herself into him when I heard a small 'oomph' come from within, I could hear Dean crying too, trying to offer her comfort with "It's ok baby," and gentle "shhhing" sounds.

As the crying subsided he continued. I could hear him whispering to her but I couldn't hear what it was that he was saying, I just knew that whatever it was, it must have been the right thing. It must have been what she needed to hear because when they came out an hour later, she had her arms loosely wrapped around Dean's neck, head snuggled near his chest, and a peaceful smile on her now sleeping face, though evidence of hours of crying was still there.

As Dean walked passed me heading to Katelyn's room he winked at me, reassuring me that things were ok. Katelyn obviously would never be right with this but she understood it as best as an eight year old could.

Now there was only Jayden left to tell and how the hell do you tell a three year old that their uncle was dying when they didn't know what death was?

This wasn't like with Dean and mum, Dean wasn't just going to be there one minute then gone the next.

So later that night, after dinner, we sat Jayden down and told him that Dean was very sick and that we all were going to have to do our best to look after him. To his credit Jayden seemed to take this on very well and said that he would take care of Dean the best he could. We knew that when the time came we would have to explain what was happening to Dean but for now he just knew that Dean needed looking after and he was going to do the best he could to ensure that that happened.

That night, after the kids were in bed, I told Dean that I was going to take leave from work to help look after him. He had argued with me but with the back up from Sarah he soon admitted defeat and allowed me to become his official caregiver.

This was my time to be there for Dean, like he had so often been there for me, and I took my job very seriously. I went to every doctor's appointment with him and took note on everything the doctor would say or recommend. I made sure that he ate at regular intervals even if he didn't want too and that took it easy and rested often. But my main priority was that he took all his medication at the right times and God there was a lot. There was Oxycotin to keep the pain at bay, Megace to try to increase his waning appetite, Zofran to stop his frequent bouts of nausea and the list went on.

Even though we were doing all the right things, Dean wasn't kidding when he said this would take him hard and fast. He had only been home for a few short weeks before he started to go downhill and Sarah and I couldn't handle things alone.

We decided to have Dean admitted to a hospice program where a couple of nurses would come here, to our home, a few times a week to help us. Dean had told us that he wanted to go here, at home, with his family, not at some sterile hospital. We were more than happy to agree but Dean's wish had made me think back to another time where he had been at death's door and had told me "I'm not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot." it just served to remind me that while I was able to save him back then this time I was going to have to say goodbye.

Katelyn and Jayden now spent most of their free time at home with Dean. They would play games with him, watch TV with him or just happily sit near him just doing their own thing but always keeping an eye out. And if Dean ever needed anything they would always be more than happy to help him. However, what I loved most to find, was when they would be sitting, huddled close to their Uncle listening to him tell them more of his adventure stories both caught up in the awe and suspense that is Dean. I'm not certain but I have the feeling that they both knew that these stories were real, real adventures of their heroic Uncle, and the thought of this fills me with gratification.

It was only a few weeks after Dean first entered the hospice program when tragedy struck us. Sarah and I were sitting in the kitchen when Katelyn burst out of the lounge room screaming for both of us. We both raced into the room and were confronted by Dean curled in a foetal position, rocking back and forth with pain etched on his face. Sarah gathered both of out sobbing children trying to sooth them as I grabbed the phone and knelt by Dean trying to ease his agony as best I could while I called his Oncologist.

A CAT scan taken that day revealed the worst, the cancer had now spread to his stomach and we didn't have much time left. The Oxycontin that no longer helped Dean's pain was switched for liquid morphine and the doctor just told us to prepare ourselves, this was the beginning of the end.

That had four days ago.

I'm again brought back to reality when I hear the noise that had awoken me earlier and I release for what it is. I'm up and by his bed in seconds. His breathing has become quick and laboured and as I look into his hazel eyes I know that the time has come. Dean is now just holding on for me, waiting for me to be alright with this.

And it's now I make my decision. This will be one of the hardest things that I'll ever have to do but it is time I did right by my big brother, it is time that I repaid him for all that he has done for me. It is time for me to let him go.

I crawl onto the bed next to him and gently gather Dean into my arms. Just by my holding him his breathing seems to have eased some and I know that I'm doing the right thing.

"Dean," I begin as the tears that have been building behind my eyes silently start to fall down my face. "You have been the best brother anyone could have ever asked for. I, I must have done something right to have lucked out and gotten you." I pull him closer to me as I see the tears begin to fall from his eyes as well, "You have always been there for me Dean, no matter what, no matter the circumstance. You have always been there to save me but now," I pause wiping away the tears from his face and gather the courage that I need, "now it's time Dean. You don't have to be strong anymore, you don't have to fight anymore, it's time for you to rest now."

The tears that were silently falling are now gushing down my face and I have to stifle back the sob that wants to be released. I need to finish this first.

"It's ok to let go Dean, its ok," I tell him and I bury my face into his hair, "It's ok Dean, I love you."

I feel Dean reach out and grab my hand gently squeezing it until I look him in the eye. He is giving me a sign telling me that he has heard me and asking if I'm sure.

I smile at him for reassurance, "I'll be ok," I whisper as I softly squeeze back.

Dean closes his eyes for the final time just as the light of the new day begins to enter the room. I hold him close to me as I hear his breathing slow and peace seems to fill the room as Dean drifts away with the dignity and grace that he deserves.

A/N Posting this chapter has had me a nervous wreck. I want to thankyou all so much for reading and Please feel free to tell me your thoughts and views.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I wake slow and somewhat disoriented. I feel like I've slept for days and yet that I haven't slept at all, this unsettles me.

Refusing to fully action my body just yet I move my left arm across to Sarah's side of the bed but it's empty, she's already up.

Sighing, I shift my gaze towards the shut curtains and see daylight attempting to peek in. Wondering the time I turn and look at the clock.

8:17am

_Huh, Sarah has let me sleep in, stra……_

And then it hits me, like a tonne of bricks, stealing my breath away from me.

_No!_

I remember everything. I remember everything that has happened in the past months and I remember what today is. I remember what it is that I have to do today. Today I'm laying my brother to rest.

Any energy that was restored in me instantly vanishes and all I want to do is hide under the covers and forget. If I can just forget than maybe all this never happened. If I can just forget than maybe, just maybe, Dean can still be alive.

_Hmmph, who am I kidding?_

I throw the covers off and slowly rise from the bed. I stretch, flexing as many muscles as I can in effort to remove the kinks from my body and make my way to the bathroom.

The sight that greets me in the mirror stuns me. I barely recognize myself. The face that is staring back at me cannot be mine. There is greasy, unkempt hair, dark, haunted, sleep deprived eyes and four day old growth, all upon a pale aged face. I not only feel like I've aged years within days but it seems I look it too.

_Peachy._

I quickly shave and jump into the shower. My whole body is aching, it's a deep ache that goes right down into my bones and I turn the hot water on high as I can stand in attempt to find some relief. It does so little.

When I enter the bedroom again I find Sarah has been here. My clothes for the day have been laid out and the curtains are now drawn back letting in the measly light of the day.

I turn towards the window and notice the weather for what it is. I feel that it is somehow fitting. It hasn't rained in New York for over a month but today, of all days, the sky is overcast and surly and rain is continuously weeping from the dark and gloomy clouds above. It's as if the sky is grieving. It's as if it knows that today the world is burying a hero.

As I stare out through the window, a lone tear escapes but I quickly wipe it away before it can travel too far. I need to get through today and I'm afraid that if I let any of what I've been feeling out now, if I finally let any of the emotions that have been churning inside me even come near to the surface I'll never make it, I won't be able to stop. I'll drown.

I return my attention to the clothes that lay before me. They are black, dreary and reeking of depression. Putting them on just seems to draw me closer into the depths of an unescapable void that wants to consume me, destroy me. The only thing that is stopping it from getting it's clutches on me is the one thought and one thought only that continues circling in my head.

_This is for Dean._

Entering the kitchen I see my children already eating their breakfast. They have both been so brave through all this, stronger than I could imagine possible but still I'm afraid. I fear that the time will come when they will falter, when they will break and I just hope that Sarah and I can pull them through.

Katelyn has just been amazing so far. She has shown us such great inner strength that I can only believe that it's another Dean trait that she has inherited. She has cried but she has also been able to pull herself together when needed to be there for Jayden and even Sarah and I.

And Jayden, I know that he understands that Dean is gone but he is struggling to comprehend why it is that he can't come back just like he has every other time. I want there to be an easier way to get them both through this but right now I am barely getting through this myself and I don't know what it is that I need to do for them.

"Morning Daddy." My children say in unison and bring me back from my inner turmoil.

"Morning." I sigh as I sit down at the table.

No sooner have I sat, a plate piled high with pancakes is placed in front of me and my wife places a tender kiss upon my cheek.

Sarah has been my rock through all this, I doubt that I would have made it this far without her. Even though she too is suffering through all this, she has offered her unwavering support at times when I have stumbled, she has pulled me from the water when I thought I would sink and at every turn she has been there to back me up.

"How did you sleep?"

"Better." I lie although it's not necessary, Sarah already knows the truth.

A frown graces her face but she neither says anything nor moves. She only stays there silently staring at me and it takes me a moment to realise why. She is waiting. She is waiting for me eat.

I'm not hungry. I haven't been since Dean left but right now I'm too exhausted to argue the point so I just choose to give in. I give her a smile, barely a smirk, and take a small bite from my plate. Thankfully this seems to be enough to satisfy her for now and she moves on to help the kids finish their breakfast before ushering them back to their rooms to get dressed for today. Once she is out of the kitchen I empty my plate into the bin and I too go finish getting ready.

It's getting on for midmorning, not that you could tell from the current weather, when Sarah's voice brings me out of yet another daze.

"It's time Sam."

The words are spoken softly almost whispered as if she is afraid that anything louder would break me. I pause at this, _maybe it's too late, maybe I'm already broken._

It's just after 11am when the funeral starts. We are all huddled under a make-shift tent that is attempting to keep the vicious sting of the rain away.

Sarah is on my right, I can hear her softly weeping, her hand is in mine tightly holding on. I know that she is trying to get support from me and return it but at this moment I have nothing to give and whatever she is offering is not nearly enough, _I'm so sorry Sarah._

Jayden is hoisted up on her hip. His little arms are tightly wound around her neck and his sad green eyes have yet to leave the coffin that holds his beloved uncle.

Katelyn is on my other side, her body snuggled against mine and I can feel it tremble from the cold and her despair. I feel the need to be strong for my family, to be strong like Dean always has been, but nothing seems to make sense anymore and I fear I will fail them all.

As I let the pastor's words wash over me I finally look around to see who has come to say their last goodbyes. The crowd that circles Dean's grave is small but meaningful. It's not that Dean couldn't make friends, he could fit into any crowd he pleased, it's just that he knew that his life was dangerous and keeping people at a distance was his way of keeping them safe.

I see a few associates from both mine and Sarah's work places. They didn't know Dean but are here to offer their support and condolences and we both appreciate and respect that.

There are people here who I don't know and others I just can't seem to put a name to their face but it's their attire and swagger that makes me realise who they all are. They are all hunters saying farewell to one of their own.

I continue to scan and my eyes and finally reach Jo Harville, although now she is a Davies. Standing beside her is her husband Malcolm and their daughter Ellery. She gives me a small, sad smile in acknowledgement, I'm so glad she could come. I know that she understands some of what it is that I am going through. Ellen was taken from her only a year ago and it was Dean who had been able to offer her the support that she needed. He was like a big brother to her too and now we have both lost him.

And finally I see the man who has come to mean so much to us. Bobby. He has been like a second father to us both. He has always offered us his unwavering support at times when all others turned their backs on us. He was always there when we needed him and I just can't ever thank him enough for that.

There is no wake, it's not something Dean had wanted and so at the end of the funeral each group slowly made their way to us giving us their sympathy and support before making their way home.

Jo and Bobby wait till last before they come over to us. We all chat for awhile reliving happy memories before they too give us their commiserations, give us their well wishes and offer their support. And then they are gone and it's just the four of us again left to deal with our loss.

It's mid afternoon when Sarah finds me on the back porch. I've spent so much time here thinking over the last few months that I doubt she had to search for long.

I notice her posture and realise why it is she has come out here but there is no way I'm ready for this.

_Please Sarah, not now._

"Sam, we need to talk."

_I don't want to._

"You are bottling things up inside Sam."

She pauses waiting for me but I give her no reaction.

"You've barely said a thing to me or to the kids in days."

_I don't have anything to say._

"You barely sleep, you don't eat, you don't………you don't anything anymore."

"What do you want me to do Sarah, what do you want from me." I ask her as I feel every emotion, every pent up feeling that is raging inside me that I have been trying so hard to hold within, fast track it's way to the surface determined on exploding out of me.

"An emotion for a start Sam. All you've done since Dean died is just sit and stare."

I give her a look of contempt.

"An emotion?" I ludicrously ask, "How bout pissed off, is that good enough for you. Because you know what I am pissed off, no, no I am God damn furious."

"Sam….."

"No! You want to know what I am feeling than this is what I feel. I have just lost the last of my family to something that I couldn't fight. I have battled ghosts, spirits, monsters, demons, but this, this one little friggin' disease I couldn't save him from. But you want to know what the clincher is, the one thing that is threatening to push me over the edge?"

She says nothing and I don't know if it's from fear of me or fear that if she says anything I'll stop.

"I TOLD HIM HE COULD GO!"

"It's what he wanted Sam, it was the right thing to do."

"The right thing to do? How in the hell can you say that Sarah?"

"You did what Dean needed you to do."

"I should have saved him."

"You did save him. Sam, honey, listen to me." Sarah pleads as she moves towards me. "You did what was right for Dean. You saved him from the pain and suffering that it was causing him."

All anger that was pushing me before is now replaced with deep sorrow, "He has always been here Sarah. He has always been here for me and now, now I don't know how I am supposed to keep going."

"Sam you still have us."

I turn away from her and head towards the back door. "But I don't have Dean."

As I open the door and make my way inside Sarah's last tear filled question hits me low, "Do you really think that this is what he'd want for you?"

I stumble inside and quickly move through the house trying to get away from her though her words keep echoing in my head, "Do you really think that this is what he'd want for you?"

_Does it really matter what he'd want, his gone now._

This thought seems to cause great displeasure to my stomach and I find myself leaning against the nearest door waiting for it to right itself again.

When it seems that I can move without the fear of losing what little have eaten today I look around at my surroundings and notice where I have landed myself.

My absent minded wanderings seemed to have led me upstairs and the door that I was only moments ago so desperately using for support is the very same door that I have found myself unable open and enter through since I lost Dean that morning days before.

I take a deep breath and turn the handle swinging the door open before me. I don't know why I am shocked to see what lays before me. The room looks like it always did. Nothing has changed, nothing has been moved, it's just like nothing has changed.

_If only that were true._

I stay standing at the door looking around. The room is full of Dean and I feel so overwhelmed by it all. My eyes continue gazing over the object before me but stop when they land on one of Dean's few prized possessions. I find myself walking into the room and over to the lone chair that sits by Dean's small wooden desk. Draped across it is his favourite leather jacket. The years have been hard on it and there are now many patch up jobs on it but Dean lovingly referred to the as 'her battle scars'. As I put the jacket on I am engulfed by the sense of Dean and I ungracefully sag to the floor allowing every emotion to spill from me. I am breaking but I no longer care.

I'm startled when warm arms slide around my neck and a small body crawls into my lap. I realise that I was so overtaken by my emotions that I had completely let my guard down allowing my children to sneak up on me.

_Dean would have my ass for this._

"Daddy why you cry" Jayden ask me peering up from my lap worry and sadness in his expression, "Is it cause Unkie Dee is gone way?"

I nod and let a small smile slip onto my face slightly amazed that at no matter what age kids can be so instinctive.

"Yea little man, I guess I'm just missing him."

"Me too," he pauses as if deep in thought, "can we go see him?"

His innocence overwhelms me and I need to wait a moment to compose myself before answering.

"It's not a place where we can go J."

Tear filled eyes look up to me and his bottom lip trembles, "but he will be lonely."

I gather Jayden into my arms hugging him tightly, "no baby, Dean won't be lonely he has Grandma and Grandpa Winchester looking after him."

"But, but I want Unkie Dee with us" he cries and I clutch him closer to my chest as the tears begin rolling down my face again.

"Me too baby, me too."

"Daddy don't cry, its ok." I hear Katelyn try to soothe me and I look up to see her innocent face bathed in seriousness, "Deanie isn't really done."

Jayden peers up from my chest and looks towards his sister, " I don't want him gone."

"His not…."

"Katelyn!" it comes out gruff but I need to warn her, putting such ideas in Jayden's head wasn't going to help is any.

"No Daddy, his not. He told me so."

As shiver runs down my spine as her words sink in. _Oh God, what if she has seen his ghost. Please don't make me go through that._

I have to swallow back the bile that has risen in my throat before I can ask, "When, when did he tell you that?"

"The day he told me he was sick and was going to have to leave us."

I don't say anything as relief swamps me but I gesture for her to continue.

"I told him that he couldn't leave us that he couldn't go but he told me that just because we couldn't see him anymore doesn't mean he wouldn't be with us."

"What…you mean?" Jayden asks in-between sniffles.

Katelyn now turns her attention from me towards her brother, "Deanie promised me that he would never really leave us and if we wanted to see him we just had to do one thing."

"What?"

"Close your eyes and just think about him and he will be there."

Jayden does as he is told and I watch in amazement as his sorrowful faced is quickly replaced with a heart-warming smile.

"I sees him Katie, I sees him." he excitedly exclaims before turning his head towards me, "Can you see him too daddy?"

I look between my two children, both of whom are watching me intently, and its then a sudden realisation hits me. A feeling of calmness moves through me and I feel a smile make it's way upon my face, the first real one that I've had in awhile and I reach out and grab Katelyn pulling her in and squeezing both of them tightly. "Yea I can see him."

And I can.

Dean isn't really gone. His body may have left us but he was still surrounding us, me, in so many ways. Katelyn was right all I had to do was look.

He was there in Katelyn, her soul dripped of Dean.

He was there in Jayden, every time he looked at you or smiled.

And he was here, in me. In my heart, in my soul, in my memories. All I had to do was look, and I could not only see him but I could feel him too.

"Katie, J, it's time for dinner."

Sarah's voice surprises us and we all turn to see her standing in the doorway.

"Come on, before it gets cold."

Katelyn is the first to move and then reaches for her brother leading him out of the room. Sarah waits till they pass before she makes her way over to me as I begin rising to stand.

"You look as good in that as Dean did." she states as she gestures to the jacket that I'm still wearing.

"Dean would have something to say about that." I chuckle as I slowly slip it from my shoulders, "I guess I just wanted to feel close to him." I finish as I hang the jacket back onto the chair running my hand over her 'battle scars'.

"Sammy?" Sarah questions and I know she is asking if I will be alright, if I can get through this.

I turn back to her and wrap my arms around her, "We will get through this," I say as I place a kiss upon her and smile down to her, "I promise."

She smiles back as relief takes place of her worry, "I know we will." she says as she tightens her hold on me before quickly releasing, "I better go see what disaster the kids have waiting for us, don't be to long." she says she heads out the door towards the kids.

Before I too head out the door I give the room a final glance over, no longer feeling distraught about what I see but comforted. Looking around I see everything that is Dean and I think back to what Dean told Katelyn. I'm amazed that even in death and maybe not even realising it Dean has found a way to save me, to pull me from the depths of despair. It's not going to be easy, this much I know. There will be days that are so hard that I won't even want to get up in the morning but then all I have to do is look, look at my children, my wife and all that surrounds me and no matter what Dean will always be here.

THE END

Well that's it guys. I really hope you enjoyed reading it and I would love to hear your thoughts and comments so please feel free to do so.


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